I am at home watching some music videos and looking at apple website. It’s hard to focusing on the videos while I keep on staring at iPhone5. Haha. And then while sipping my cup of tea, out of the blue I want to write about have I ever did something to make someone notice me? That’s because I think that the music videos keep calling my name to kepp watching them, instrad of I staring at iPhone5 in my pad. Blame my imagination.
So, I put my shoes on the music videos. Did I ever do that do people? I mean, I hate people more than anything. That must be a cause of it. Then I remember why I hate people. It’s my childhood. Although I am not really comfortable telling you this, but, I really want to change, maybe I could never ever tell you in person, because when I met people, I really prefer not talking. I confused about what to say. How should I react about things the said? I am afraid that when I talk and tell them in person, they will judge me, right to my face. And I can’t stand that. I can’t stand a simple stress, or I will fall deeply to it. So… That’s why I better write about it. You won’t judge me right to my face :p
Back to the point. Notice. As a child, I am the first child. I have two sisters. And as parents always say “You have to be a good example to your sisters/brothers!”. Yeah, I always being an example. Sadly, a bad one. My grade? since I was in first until third grade were well, top 3. But, start when I was in fourth grade, my rank was dropped and it continues until sixth grade. Imagine that to my proud mother. She is ashamed. Especially, we live in a small town where everybody knows everybody. And since my mom is a nurse, she (literally) knows everyone in town. My mom always mad if I got a bad grade for my exam or anything. She didn’t accept B, C, D,E, F, she only accepted an A. Then she started compare me to other child in my age at school. First my neighbors, then her friends children, then whoever met her and she knew, she started compare me. It is freaking hurt, of course. She always give me punishments, such as yell at me, then hit me, then pinch me, then locked me up in the bathroom. Although I was scream “I am sorry mom, I am sorry, she never stop. Until I finally say “I won’t do it anymore. I’ll be the best”. She always had that scary glare in her eyes every morning before I went to school. That was intense. Everyone would never believe me. They said “No way, your mother is the kindest!”. Yeah, to you all who has been in my house, she never show her anger. But when my friends leave, she would start yelling. My first sister were two years behind me. She is the smartest in her age. Also, me compares to her, she is the smarter than me. And, always in first place. That’s why my mom never mad at her. Because she’s different. She is smart. And beautiful. And everyone loves her. That time my thought started to think that I am nothing. I am never good enough. No one proud of having me. My Dad? He is always busy. He went to work at 7 and went home at 5. He always wanted a boy, I know. He always invited my childhood friends to come to my house to play Nintendo. Although, there are times he confront my mom when she hurt me, but that’s not enough. I have no hero. I always dream that maybe I am not their daughter, maybe one day my real parents will come to pick me. Oh so idiot of you, Adeline.
I tried so hard in my sixth grade, that time, I already got a sister again. And for sure the love and care are for her and my first sister. It’s usual, I talked to my self. I am jealous of one of my childhood friend, she is the only kid, she gets what she wanted, her parents never mad at her, her life is perfect, I thought. Sixth grade means the last grade in elementary school. We have to go to Junior high school to continue our study. I am a wreck. The pressure was too hard for me to handle, and I started……… hurting myself. No one knows, of course. I tried so hard, I tried my best, but the results were bad and my mother…. Oh she kept hating me. Yelling how useless I went to cram school, how stupid I am, how she couldn’t brag me to her friends or people, or whatever. She kept hitting me, locked me in the bathroom, pinched me so hard that it would be red and blue and purple in my skin. All I could do was crying. Crying so hard, tears rolled down my face non stop, hoping that she would stop when she saw me like that, but NO. She hurt me even worse. She stopped talking to me. The next week, she asked me to get dressed and follow her. Turns out, we went to a Psychiatry Clinic. I didn’t fully remember what the hell I was doing there, but I do remember about me crying so hard there. I kept going back to the therapist, for like 2 weeks and then I apply to junior high school that not favorite in my hometown. I applied it myself, while people went there with their parents. It really hurts remembering memories like this :’)
In junior high school, I still keep trying my best, and seems like I am still not enough to be proud of. My sisters kept getting rewards from my parents whenever they get A. yeah, same old same old. I wanted to scream, “NOTICE ME, MOM!” “I’ve tried!” “Look, my grade wasn’t that bad. I am the highest in my class!”, but I just kept silent and silent. And still hurting my self. The thought of wanting to die keep walking by in my mind. It was really hard right, not getting love from the person we wanted the most, right? I never ever want to go back at home, I was ditching classes with my childhood friends, started smoking, sneaking out at night, my junior high school life was sooo fucked up. Until I was in ninth grade, I focused to go to the favorite high school. I kept raising my grades. I stopped seeing my childhood friends that brought bad influence, all because I don’t want to be locked again in the bathroom, got hit and pinched marks all over my body, and for once, I want my mom and dad proud of having me as their child. I kept saying to myself that once I am in high school, it will stop. I have to get in that fucking favorite high school. The night before final exams I lied to my parent that I had cram school. But no. I just went out with some of my friends and boyfriend, chilling around, talking nonsense, just, I don’t want any pressure for tonight, I thought. When the final exams done, I am nervous. What if I failed? What if my grades are not good enough to enter the fucking favorite high school? I thought things. Bad ones especially. Until finally the results were out and I was in top 5! I was really happy. With that grade, I am pretty sure I could enter that school. And my parents would proud of me and never stopped talking about how great I am, and I will finally get a reward too! Just as I thought. They look so happy, and I got into that school. And I got a reward too. And I finally could say goodbye to bathroom door, and I will finally got no marks in my body. Maybe that last day in junior high school was the best feeling ever, and I could finally smile again. They finally notice me, I whispered to myself.
And, that’s a wrap everybody. Oh my, I was crying when I remembered that and writing it. Thank you for reading (or should I say noticing?) it, I feel so relieved 🙂 And now, I can watch the videos again 😉
Lost in Adeline's 