Dear You

Cute

I might not a beautiful princess who is so kind to other and filthy rich.

I might not a worth girl to save from bad guys that you defeat with a sharp and shining sword.

I might not a girl you want to show off to your friends because my beautiful face, body, or else.

Or, I might not your favorite idol who good at singing or acting or the whole world knows me.

I am the one who comfortably lives in the cage.

I am the one who always hide in the dark.

I am the nerdie or weirdo or not good looking woman or not the richest one.

I am the one you’ll be embarrassed at if you meet your friends.

And I will always be the second player.

And maybe, in our relationship, you will be mad, sad, upset, disappointed, laugh out loud, have one million smile, and soon.

But, I also can promise you something. I can make you live happily ever after. I can make sure that bad guys won’t touch or step closer neither you and me. I can give you all the love I had even though it means I have to be apart from you.

I can do that things because I know, my world would be black and white without you. 

With all that things I’ve told you, will you still be with me forever and ever?

A remake letter which I’ve wrote on my phone notes on December 6th, 2011. Pardon my bad English 🙂

 

Real Life vs Cyberspace

Not long ago, my boyfriend called me. I thought he didn’t feel guilty about what he has done to me. Yeah, he really is careless. And here I am, hoping and expecting things again. So, back to the point, our conversation on the phone. It’s about how he motivated me to do my thesis, and to quit fooling around in the internet. He has no freaking idea how much the cyber means to me. After these years, he still didn’t get it and I am really hopeless. But I have to holding on, right? Just like what I’ve wrote down.

Cyber

My real life is really scary. Not only mine, I think, everyone’s. But it depends on the people who saw it. But really, mine, is so scary. I don’t want to live here, this world that God created for everyone. I am afraid. Waking up all night, unable to sleep because all I can think about is all the things I have to do, and all the things I’ve done wrong is going to lead to an exhausting years. The feeling of being miserable, pathetic, scared and genuinely frightened hit me. I panicked and I almost cried I was so afraid for unknown reason. I got tired of crying, making every single people happy. Comforting my mom about things that happened between her and old man, putting a fake smile to everyone. Ugh. I am tired. Don’t expect me to be kind and loving everytime, please. I just don’t want to live with problems and troubles, which is nowhere we’ll find.

That’s why, I move to cyberspace. Social networking services nowadays are really great!  Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Google+, Bebo, Hi5, LinkedIn, Pinterest, and many more! But Of course I prefer Twitter and Tumblr more than anything. They’re really easy to use and so much fun. I keep retweeting and rebloging things that related to me, from any mini blog I follow. Those two are exactly my heaven. I can write things without facing other people, that’s the best. And I don’t really care about things that they might think of me. I can express my feelings without caring what other people might think. And…. I repeated my lines -__- The point is, I am more comfortable in the cyberspace than have to meet people in real life. The cyberspace keeps me sane :’)

It’s damp and cold outside and I want to curl up with both my cats and hot chocolate and a book. So, happy reading.

-A-

It will be alright

The only reason I didn’t do it until now  is because I am so scared. I am scared that if I fail, I am gonna have to face up to everyone, and everyone will know everything about me, about how sly I am, how stupid I am, and I think that I couldn’t cope with that. In the beginning I was incredibly confident and self assured. Now, I am incredibly insecure. Don’t you hate it when you’re insecure and then you say really stupid things because of your insecurity? Such as, “I’m sorry…” even though you shouldn’t be sorry because you didn’t do anything or “I hope I’m not annoying you. I don’t want to annoy you.”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK.

I’m sorry, but I don’t know what other word to put there. When I’m confident, I sound intelligent, witty and trustworthy. Like the person can trust me. When I’m insecure, I sound like a blubbering idiot who he may very well think, “Oh, shit, she’s mental, I should run away fast.”. I just want to be accepted, that’s all. I don’t want people to hate me.I don’t want anyone running away. I don’t want that to happen but I am afraid that it will. I’ve been deserted before. But we all have been fucked over in one way or another and if we ever want to be happy again, we need to take a chance. I just wish I could give myself some credit. It’s my own fault why I feel this way (crappy is a good adjective to describe said state of emotions). At times, I can be emotionally fragile. I can be easily hurt and weak as thin glass. Realize these times. Respect my wishes. When I push you away, because chances are I will, pull me back. Don’t let me win, don’t let my doubts be right, don’t let me go. When doubt set in, don’t be upset because you think I’m comparing you with my past. It’s not doubt in you – it’s doubt in myself. Something I’m unable to help. I always create things in my head that aren’t there…I think of the worst possible scenarios and begin to believe that they are reality…which is not the case. Yeah, I can be difficult. Really fucking difficult. But it’s only until I let my barrier down. It’s only temporary. Please don’t leave. Please don’t give up on me.That’s all I ask. 

I know a lot of us do this. Writing helps. It helps me realize how legitimate but stupid my fears are. At least, that’s what I tell myself. So I guess I should follow my own advice. Take a deep break, you’re alright.

Sometimes……

Sometimes I really believe I’m not worth fighting for. In any aspect. I always do things to make sure no one stays. I’ve become so used to everyone finding something wrong with me and leaving that now I just make it easier for them to leave by being this deranged version of myself.  All I want is for someone to stay. I am petrified of someone finding out that I’m not just some emotionless machine – that I am actually someone with a broken soul  that longs to be healed. So, instead of coming to terms with my need for human intimacy that long surpasses the physical, I settle for only the physical because I am scared. I am scared of rejection, loss, and even more disappointment. I have enough reasons to hate the world – do I really need more? Do I really need to add more names to the long list of those who have already betrayed me? No, I don’t… and here I sit. The most ridiculous part is that I’ve actually tried to beat this and every time I’ve been let down, lied to, or things just didn’t work out. I’m defeated. I feel like I lost a battle I haven’t really tried too incredibly hard to fight yet. There’s a sinking feeling I have that things just won’t work out with anyone.

Care

Sometimes people surround themselves with a certain type of people not because they truly feel more comfortable with them. Sometimes it is more like wearing clothes and accessories from bold posh brands, or designer clothes that fewer people know – either way you feel better about yourself and hope people will think highly of you. “Friend”, in this case, is just another accessory you put on yourself with the attempt to be, or look like, a certain type of people, which, of course, you are not. I know I have that proud look when I mentioned things like “my playwright friend”. I am not denying that there are people who genuinely love what they are trying to convince others that they like. Certainly there are, and those kind of true passion is in fact very easily detected. But after all how many of us are really comfortable with who we are? I don’t know.

Wow. Not posting so many days make me want to write every single thing I thought!

Letter to me

letter

Dear self,

You are beautiful. Stop being so insecure. No, you’re not fat nor are you too skinny like a skeleton. Eat whatever you want and stop watching your weight. Who cares about how short and thick your hair is and how people miss your long hair. Don’t cry over not having the best assets. Your body is beautiful and a lot of girls would love to have your shape. Stop looking back on the past, looking back on past mistakes, and wishing how you could’ve, should’ve would’ve done this and that. That was then and this is now. You are not the same person today as you were back in the day. Stop worrying about not being the best daughter, sister, friend, or girlfriend that you could never or ever be. You worked so hard to get to where you are today. Acknowledge all your hard work and effort into the people you love and care about the most. If you weren’t good enough and appreciated, then why are the most important people in your life still in your life? If they didn’t care about you or support you, they would have walked away a long time ago. But they didn’t. Because they love you for who you are and will stick with you through thick and thin. You are a great person, don’t ever think less of yourself.   Stop worrying about what others think about you when the most important thing is to focus on yourself and your happiness. Wipe away your tears and remember how great your presence affects you and your loved ones. Be happy, cheer up, and stop focusing on the negatives when the positives outweigh the negatives. You’re beautiful and remember that you make life beautiful if you let it. 

Love,

Your self

Hold on tightly, please…. I beg you!

Hold On

When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place

That quote means two things right now in my life.

1. My condition

I know the feeling of wanting to give up and I also know the feeling when you feel like not one person can change your mind. Despite people telling you not to give up because you have a whole life ahead of you (And yes I know it can sometimes get really annoying), at the end of the day it’s your decision if you want to give up or not. On those days you feel like giving up, you have to at least try and remember why you held on for so long in the first place…. If you were able to get past just 1 day in which you felt like giving up, then you obviously had a reason to not give up. Remember that reason, and let it be your motivation.

2. My relationship

I don’t want to think that it wouldn’t work out. I want to always think that it will work out someday. I remember all the good stuff I like about you, and all the good times I have together with you. I am miserable. I am insecure. But having you in my life during good times and bad times, IS WAY MUCH BETTER than not having you at all.  When times are bad I have to remember all the good things that have happened and I hope they will help me get through the bad times.

Hold On

 

Here we are preteding we’re okay
(you can say what you want but you still can’t fool me)
The life we’re living
It’s all masquerade
(i try to smile but i can’t remember how)
So how did we get so jaded
Is it so complicated
To not give up to me?

simple plan – holding on

So, dear me, please, hold on tightly. For those reasons you still here, for those reasons you still with him, please :’) That one day, when you look back read this, you could smile widely, that you are right holding it on.

Trust

trust

I am so disappointed right now. I even got no soul to do my house work or read some books to make me feel better. No. All of my favorite things to do can’t help me feeling better. They’re not working! All I’m doing this weekend is just laying in the bed, get up, shower, then laying in the bed again, I even don’t want to eat. Damn. It’s all because one thing. Someone broke the promise. Wait, if it’s that man, yes, he always broke promises. Don’t you know that trust is so hard to earn? And with me like this, it’s even harder. You just keep making it smaller and smaller. I hate people who broke promises more than “just people”. Having a high hope is useless. Everything likes keeping me down. Or I am not destined to have people who I can trust? The man I always call “dad” is always lying to me and to my entire family. Oh wait, I think not to my little sister, she’s the one he loved the most in three of us. Yeah, same old same old. I do really hate him, because he keeps on lying while I FUCKING KNOW THE TRUTH OLD MAN! I just don’t want to talk about it or else, you’ll be ashamed. In front of my friends, you talked like you own the whole freaking world. Shit. I am so ashamed that I’d rather not having them stop by at house than having you talk nonsense with them! Don’t you understand? I am sick of your words! I am not your freaking little girl anymore. I am sorry, you want my respect? Then act like the one I should respect. Not just like some freaking old man jerking around. You know what? Two people I really talked about you are my childhood best friend and my boyfriend. You don’t even know how much they despise you, Sir. Cause you talk big, but nothing to prove on. If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression. It’s not like that I hate you, it just… If you’re getting hit by bus, I would rather be the driver 🙂

About my mood today, it’s not because my old man. It’s because my boyfriend. Yeah. Sadly, I talked everything to him, and he still didn’t get it, how hard to earn my trust. And I hope when he earned it, he wouldn’t disappoint me. But, shit happens. Not once. Many times. And now I am doubting you. Doubting myself. Doubting everything. Was it real? What we have? Because I think that it is real and you would never ever put me down. Guess, again, I am wrong. I am so stupid, right? You might say over this little thing I got mad, but dear, it’s from the little things you should count on. If from little things you put me down, guess you would do the same on the big ones, huh? I am afraid that one day, when the trust get much smaller, I would never trust you, or anyone, ever. Because you said that you’re the proof that there are people which are not bad, right?

Go ahead, keep lying at me, give me hopes, fly with flowery words, and I would never ever trust you. Not until you come to me, proving your freaking words. Sorry, I am not planning to fall in to your words dear father and boyfriend. Poorly, you two are the greatest liar I’ve ever know.