Wow. What a number.

Dear mother, happy half birthday of 100 plus one 😉

You know how I really hated you back then, but I just can’t really hate you, because, your my mother. My goddamn mother. What a bitch I would be if I ever really hate you, right? Maybe we started things badly, but I know for sure, I don’t want things end badly, too. I love you, mother. I couldn’t imagine what would I do without you. You’ve been a goddamn great mother to me ever, and I just couldn’t see it old days. Sorry mother, for what have I sinned. I love you. No matter how strict you get, no matter how mad you’ll be, no matter how annoying you can be, no matter how RIGHT you are and I hate it because you’re absolutely right, I love you.


(what a lovely cake, eh? I got it from google, as usual)


Favorite Habit

Tell us about a habit you’d like to break. Is there any way it can play a positive role in your life?

A habit. A habit to breakdown must be a bad habit. And see… I got mental illness in me, I got some pretty much bad habits all over myself. That’s not going to be easy.

Maybe I’d like to break some procrastination on me, you know, it’s kinda getting out of my way. But then again, when I wrote this, I just realize, that’s not my biggest problem. My biggest problem is to break, to overcome my worst ever habit, hurting myself, letting my self down bout things I shouldn’t be. I hate how my brain works so fast when it comes to make myself full of uneasiness. The tendencies get so high every time I feel so depressed, or sad, or devastated, or hopeless. And no, there’s no way it can play a positive role in my life. All it ever brings is negatives.

So yeah, that’s one of my freaking favorite bad habit that has to go away.



Tell us about the harshest, most difficult to hear — but accurate — criticism you’e ever gotten. Does it still apply?

“You are useless!” , “You are childish!”, “You should consider people more, you’re so self centered!”, “You’re ugly!” – said some people to me.

And my mind, until this freaking day, this freaking hour, this freaking minute I wrote this, still repeating it, countless. I always think it the same too. I’ve never been good enough for those people. Not even once. I kept make them down. I’ve always make mistakes. And yeah, it sucks. It really sucks.

Do those things are still applied? I don’t know. All I know for sure is, I am selfish. I got some mental issues. And people should stop bothering me.

Honestly, I think I suck.


Weekly Writing Challenge : The man, The woman, and The Neighbour

Weekly Writing Challenge

The Man

We kissed. It was the amazing thing that happened to me. I know I may sound so silly, but I don’t care. She kissed me again, she pressed her pink plump lips to mine, chapped and taste boring, I assume. She tastes so sweet. After a while she’s giggling.

“What?” I asked her. She shakes her head and keeps giggle.

“Abby, what?” I asked curiously.

“No, I just realize that you really are an amateur, Luke. You should put your hands around me, when I kissed you for the second time. And do something… Not just stand plainly like that.” She finally said the reason she giggles.

“Fuck. Whatever.” I said. I know I am an amateur. I’ve never kissed a girl. I don’t even know how to talk to girls. I am really bad blending my self to girls. But Abby is different. She lives besides my house. She’s the only girl I could talk to. I could be the way I am with her. I don’t have to pretend to like what girls talk or what.

“Oooh, sorry, Luke.” She leans her head to my shoulder. I know I shouldn’t be this happy, because it will only last a day. But, I can’t help it.

“Luke, don’t mad.” she said again, poking my cheeks. I stare at the house in front of me. Seems like someone is watching us.

“Lucas, for God sake.” she moves my face to see her. I met her hazel eyes, looking at me, deep. I never had a chance to see her this close and this deep, except that night on five grade. Not one bad thing I could point it out from her. She is always be my girl, my dream girl,  she has stolen my heart years ago. But I know, I’ve never been in her eyes once.

“Abigail.” I said her name. She looks at me confused.

“Is it too much to ask if I want another day with you?” I asked. 

“Yes.” she said it short. I touch her hand that was hold my head, put it down, and hold it tightly. I never hold a girl’s hand, I never even be able to sit a girl with this close space and staring at each other eyes.

“So, it will gone? You will never look back at me again?” I asked her again.

“I will miss you, Luke. I will miss this day.” she answered, while her hazel eyes are stop looking at me.

“No, you won’t.” I said. Her eyebrows are furred, looking at me.

“You don’t know anything, Lucas. Don’t act like you know the future.” she said angry.

“I know. I don’t know nothing about the future. But I know one thing for sure, you won’t miss me or this entire day. I know you well enough, Abigail. I know how eager you want to leave this town. How often you check your mail boxes a day, a week, to look for the applicant letters for college. How excited you are when it finally comes, and you try so hard not to. And, I know how you never look at me. Not the look when you look at Eli. ” there, I said it. Abby looks at me with a sad face. My heart throbs, it hurts. I want to puke. Abby stands from her seat then walk away. I want to stop her, I want to pull her hand, I want to hug her. I don’t want her leave me. I want her stay besides me. Forever. She keeps walking until she’s almost on the road, I said,

“Abigail Sellene Harris, I always love you!”

The Woman

I could taste a mint candy from his mouth. It’s refreshing. I saw him close his eyes, put his hand in the air, and there’s the awkward gap between us. Oh, how cute he is. I would never found a guy like this, again. I’m giggling non stop and made him mad. I said sorry but he wouldn’t listen to me. I lean my head on his shoulder, looking at the house in front of me. I saw a shadow in front of the window. I see him. I know he’s there. I look at Lucas, he’s staring at his house. I move his head quickly so that he only could see me. I stare into his face. This guy, I’ve been known for almost the rest of my life. This guy, always care for me, whatever I did to hurt him or recklessly hurt my self, he will always be there, in his bedroom window, asking if I was okay. This guy, is the only best friend I have. This guy, would die on me, I know it sounds so self center, but I know, he would take the bullet for me. This guy, put his heart on me. And that’s why I couldn’t hurt him no more.

He called my name. My full first name. He knows it so well that I really hate being called by my full first name.

“Is it too much to ask if I want another day with you?” he asked. It seems like an arrow just been released and stuck in my heart. I will die instantly. I said yes, and he’s hurting more than anything. He put my hand on his hands, hold it tightly. I could hear my heart beat gets louder and louder. I said that I would miss him and this day. But then again, he exhales and told me something teary. Something about me. Something that I know for sure I would be hard to let him go. Something that would make my heart explode. Something that would make me swing my direction. Something that would make the thing I’ve been buried for years, pops out. While he told me those things, my heart is near from exploding. I should leave, said my mind.  I walk away from him, I want to go to my room, that’s what my mind said. But my heart said I should stop and go back to him. When I finally reach his mailbox, he said something that make my heart explodes. Something that the thing I’ve been buried, pops out. “Abigail Sellene Harris, I always love you!” there, he said it. My eyes are getting hard to look, but I’m perfectly sure, Eli is still watching us, in front of his house, with a hand full of trash.

The Neighbour

I could see both of them kissing on Lucas’ house, in the veranda. The space between my home and Lucas is not that far, and I’m perfectly sure it’s them, Lucas and Abby. I could see her blonde hair, which was so shiny. I wanted to go there badly, but I know, I can’t. I clench my fist, and the beer bottle in my right hand is almost fly over to them. His veranda is so bright, I bet, everybody on the house around also can see them making out. Why am I so mad? I know how close they are since we’re kids. I know them well. But she is mine. Abby is mine. Abby always follows me around since she’s just a kid. Abby likes me better than Lucas. Abby loves me. Not him. I drink my beer until it got nothing on the bottle. I could hear Abby’s giggling. Her perfect smile. I closed my curtain and walk to the kitchen. I open the fridge and took another bottle out.

“Honey, you should stop.” someone admonish me. I turn my body around just to see my wife on the corner.

“Just this one. Then I’m going to bed.” I said.

“You’re so implacable.” she said and then go to the trash can.

“Ah, leave it there. I will take it out.” I stop her from taking the trash out.

“Eli, I’m okay. You should stop forbid me doing household things.” she defenses.

“Baby, you got another human in your body. I couldn’t stand you doing those things.” I hug her and stroke the bump on her stomach.

“I’m pregnant, not dying.” she said with a smile and then kiss me. I suddenly remember the two of them outside my house. I hate it.

“Go have some rest. I’ll catch up with you after drink this one, and take the trash out.” I said. She gives me a smile and kiss me again. I kiss her on the forehead and look at her back. I take my beer and see them again on the window. I could see Abby strokes at his face and see him gently. I drink my beer again, this time, I’m not taking a pause. I see them taking about something. I hate doing this. I can’t hear them. I want to know what the hell is they’re talking about. I want to make sure that the kiss is not because she finally forgets me. I walk away from the window, I put my beer bottle on the box and then take the trash out. I opened the side door, so that they couldn’t hear me. I could see they’re having a fight then Abby is walking away from him. I almost run over to the dumpster on the road, just to hear Lucas screaming the words he always hesitates to say, the Love words. I stop my move. I could see Abby is stopping her step too. I could see her eyes that full of tears, thanks to the dim light from the street lamp. I could see her looking at me, with a tears. Makes me remembered the day we parted. The day I found out Brianna is pregnant with my child. The day I stopped seeing Abby. 


Slackline Saturday

Ah, Sunday comes approaching me so fast again. Yesterday, I promised my senior at Uni, Aruka, to hang around at 3pm. Since I should attend my other friend graduation, I told him I’d be late. After I’ve finished the graduation party, I rushed to meet Aruka, in Gadjah Mada University. There, I found him playing slackline between the trees. I rushed to him, greet him, hug him, and then he said “Let’s play!”.



(It’s not Aruka nor Husni, I found the pic from google. I’ll replace it after I put on some Aruka’s pic in my laptop.)

Slacklining is a practice in balance that typically uses nylon or polyester webbing tensioned between two anchor points. Many people suggest slacklining is distinct from tightrope walking in that the line is not held rigidly taut (although it is still under some tension); it is instead dynamic, stretching and bouncing like a long and narrow trampoline. The line’s tension can be adjusted to suit the user and different types of webbing can be used to achieve a variety of feats. The line itself is usually flat, due to the nature of webbing, thus keeping one’s footing from rolling as would be the case with an ordinary rope. The dynamic nature of the line allows for tricks and stunts. (from Wikipedia )

At first, it looks like a bunch of people (not in the same time or in the same line, of course) walking across a rope, set up between two trees but upon closer inspection, I finally realized that there is actually loads of talent required to make the sport look so effortless. After five minutes, I surrendered. It’s exhausting, I can’t move forward without hanging on the tree branch, and Aruka kept yelling to me to do it 100 times. I kept falling, not on my butt, but on my feet, that’s why my feet hurt badly. And then, when Aruka is done practicing his tricks, he introduced me to his friend, Becca. She is from America, she’s teaching English in Indonesia, Yogyakarta, to be exact. Becca is so awesome, she can walk like goddess, slow and full of balance. Aruka said that, no need to little yourself, she has practiced like one and a half year, I just started. So I should practiced or playing it again and again and again and again.

An hour and half has passed but I still couldn’t move my hand from tree branch. I have to hold it so that I could be steady. Aruka was mad and said “That’s just your suggestion. Don’t be a spoiled girl by hanging on tree branch. Man, you are a psychology student, used it, applied it.”. But still, maybe because I keep saying “but”. At first, I thought I will just looking at Aruka and his friends doing slack-line, but I was curious and tried it, then became a bully object for him and his friends, Becca and Husni. They tortured me! Man… I wasn’t expected that playing slack-line would be so exhausting and making me full of sweat. In the end of the day I could move four steps without hanging on tree branch. Yay me!

And now….. My body felt so much pain. It hurts everywhere. Just like I was crushed to pieces. Thank God I could still write. Yeah, my body is still not used to it. But then again, practice make perfect, doesn’t it? 🙂

Paper Towns

I might seem too worship Mr. Green the day I’ve read The Fault in Our Stars. I had few defenses for that 1. That book is damn good, 2. He wrote it like I have to keep reading it, 3. He wrote a helluva story, 4. That book is really damn good. Is it too much? No, really, when you read books a lot, you will get it. It was a cliche story for sure, a sick girl and a sick boy. We really knew how or where it will end. But, what the hell that makes it better than others? The way he told the story. The way he keep being real but also being so imaginative. The way he make Hazel Grace and August just like us.


I just have finished another book by him. Paper Towns. The book is fun. Really fun, actually. You can’t stop reading it half way, you wanted to read it more and more and more, and wondering what’s next. It’s about childhood friends. The conflict begin with the main character, Q, stopped talking to his childhood friend, Margo. But he still has an eye on her (to be honest, who doesn’t? Well, in my case, my childhood friend and I are still get along.), he always keeps his eyes on her. But one day, Margo showed up in Q’s window, asked him to do a journey with her. They spent the night together, played around, then the next day, she went missing, gone. The other conflict is about Q and his friends, Ben and Radar. Then conflict with his parents, of course (only, it’s not that much because his parents are kind of liberal (?)). Next is about the long drive he took, the adventure he did, just to find Margo, dead or alive. And also, conflict with himself, what if he found Margo, what will he do, or about Margo is actually not what he’s been thinking all these times, how different she is.

In the last pages, or the last chapter, when they finally found Margo, I look at how thin the rest ’till the end, the book. I assumed that either Margo is dead or she’s nowhere to be found, and Mr. Green left us hanging. But thank you Mr. Green, for not allowing that, because you know, I will be devastated, and maybe hating you for that. She’s alive and explains things to Q. Oh, I love how Mr. Green always talks about life and I can relate to everything he said. I would like go “ooh, that’s totally right!” Then some things are wandering through my head.

Last, Mr. Green, thank you for making me travel that long, 19 hours drive by car, passing to my most-wanted-to-come city, NY, then find Agloe. Am I allowed to go there? Or should I found another paper town for my self? Because I kinda want to have a paper town for my self too, paper town for paper girl, right? 🙂

Ps : the next is An Abundance of Katherines. Really looking forward to it!

A Month

It’s been a month.

A month I forgot hurting myself.

A month I forgot ruining things.

A month I forgot feeling bad for myself.

A month I forgot how scary it is to be alone.

A month I forgot that I still had the devil inside my head.

A month I forgot how reckless and not useful I am.

A month I forgot telling myself that nobody cares.


It’s been a month.

A month I feel so relax.

A month I feel less worried.

A month I keep busy writing.

A month I stop hurting myself.

A month I feel so comfortable.

A month I’ve done things I should have done.

A month I got my friend’s company.

A month I decided to live my life.

A month that full of surprise.


Dear self, I am still hanging on. Bear with things that hurt so bad, okay? I am counting on you.