One little step

onelittlestep

I know it’s in me. The fearfulness of everything. Even the simplest thing. I am afraid of this, afraid of that, afraid of everything I even never have tried! I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of what will come next. I am afraid of a person will be mad at me, disappointed at me. I am afraid of being dumped of. I am afraid of being replaced. I am afraid of making someone hate me. I am afraid of doing things I never do. I am basically afraid of so many things. And yes, I know I have to change. But I don’t even know how. Pathetic, I know. A psychology student doesn’t know how to overcome her fear. This is sad.

My mind never think positive things, I guess. It’s like….. Everything I thought were wrong, and bad, and horrible, and never good enough. It’s unhealthy, being like this. And I realized I need to go to a counselor to talk about this. But again, my scumbag brain told me “what will you do there? what if it’s just a waste? what if you never overcome your fear?”. And here we go… facing the idiot of me. I really want to punch my self in the face so hard that I will bleed and then said “FOR GOD SAKE, BE BRAVE!” but then again, I still got no motivation to do that. *insert deep sigh here*

Today I went to my college (no, don’t be wrong, I am still afraid of my beloved lecturer, and I got nothing to give her, so NO, I am not meeting her), to talk to another lecturer I knew. It’s because of Liza and Aisyah, or I never ever doing this. They pushed me to text Miss Ike, and they even forbid me to go home until I got the replied (ha, thank god it was raining and already late and Miss Ike was busy to replied my text, so I could go home), and you know the rest. I talked to her (with Liza by my side, even, she talked and explained things I couldn’t explain because I cried already, being too sensitive is so annoying). It was hard at first, my heart goes “badump badump” all the time, I got teary eyes, I snot a lot (this is so impolite, I know!), and I am afraid to do an eye contact with her. One thing Miss Ike kept saying is “YOU GOT NO WINGS. YOU COULDN’T FLY TO REACH THE TOP STEP. YOU HAVE TO TRY, MAKE ONE LITTLE STEP. AND DON’T STOP, KEEP STRUGGLING UNTIL YOU COULD GO TO THE NEXT STEP.”. And yeah, I know that. I got no wings, I have to make a move, or I won’t go anywhere. Or every time people asked me about my thesis, I couldn’t give them a proper answer and a true smile. I know that. But still, I thought I have to overcome this fear first. This is not good. This is unhealthy. Feeling this, won’t take me anywhere.

So today, thank you Miss Ike for giving me some kind of enlightenment, I guess, and  thank you Liza and Aisyah for pushing me so hard, wanting to help me, thank you. I truly deeply thank you for your time I wasted, for your mind, (although you all have you own problems but still you helped me a lot, not just randomly mad at me). A word thank you may never be enough to show you my respect and how much I relieved and blessed to have people that still care.

-A-

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New You

newyou

“You don’t know anyone at the party, so you don’t want to go. You don’t like cottage cheese, so you haven’t eaten it in years. This is your choice, of course, but don’t kid yourself: it’s also the flinch. Your personality is not set in stone. You may think a morning coffee is the most enjoyable thing in the world, but it’s really just a habit. Thirty days without it, and you would be fine. You think you have a soul mate, but in fact you could have had any number of spouses. You would have evolved differently, but been just as happy.

You can change what you want about yourself at any time. You see yourself as someone who can’t write or play an instrument, who gives in to temptation or makes bad decisions, but that’s really not you. It’s not ingrained. It’s not your personality. Your personality is something else, something deeper than just preferences, and these details on the surface, you can change anytime you like. If it is useful to do so, you must abandon your identity and start again. Sometimes, it’s the only way.

Set fire to your old self. It’s not needed here. It’s too busy shopping, gossiping about others, and watching days go by and asking why you haven’t gotten as far as you’d like. This old self will die and be forgotten by all but family, and replaced by someone who makes a difference. Your new self is not like that. Your new self is the Great Chicago Fire—overwhelming, overpowering, and destroying everything that isn’t necessary.

Julien Smith

Promise

cuddle

We were lying on the park, watching the cloud moves, watching the birds fly, feeling the wind in our face, hearing the wind and the water met in the lake, it’s peaceful. You were there, beside me, holding my hand and closing your eyes, feel the moment.

“I love you. We should be together forever.” you said out of the blue.

“Define forever” I said coldly.

“Well… Forever is a long time, despite we’re being alive or not, we never leave. We stay.” you defined your “forever” to me.

“Do you really think you can do it?” I still doubt you.

“I…. I am trying my best” you said with a slight of doubt in your voice.

“I don’t need your forever. Just stay with me. Whenever it gets worse, stay. Whenever it gets harder, stay. Don’t ever let me be with myself alone. Don’t ever let my mind consume me. Because… it’s the scariest place ever. So, can you do that?” I asked you.

“I’ll never leave you alone. I will stay” you said, this time, without a doubt.

“Even if I asked  you to leave, will you keep staying?” I still asked you, make sure I am not making a mistake.

“Of course. I promise you, I will never leave you alone” you, with full of confidence, said it and look in my eyes deeply.

“But.. what if I move away? What if we should be apart? Can you still do that?” I give you more questions, to fulfill my satisfaction of your answer.

“…………………..” you didn’t give me an answer. You look away, to the lake in front of us. I smile sadly, I’ve known it. I shouldn’t get my hope high.

“Then… will you marry me?” you suddenly asked me. This time, I am  the one who was shocked.

“Will you marry me so that we will never ever be apart? I might have nothing right now, but I will try my best. I don’t plan my future without you, to be honest. I know I should do it more romantically  and with a huge diamond ring, and on my knees. But you didn’t give me much choice. Me, lying here beside you, enjoying the life we had….” you continued your words. I still in shocked. I couldn’t say anything.

“Look, how many times I should convince you that I will never leave you alone? I really mean it. I know you still don’t believe me, but give me some more time to prove my words. I will make you the happiest woman ever” you try to convince me. Your dark brown eyes captured me.

“That was…. the most beautiful words ever” I whisper. I stop my words. My eyes are getting hot and hot. I know there will be tears. But I don’t expect this soon. I try to compile my words, but I can’t think of anything. I always be a “hard to get” girl, just to make my heart won’t break easily. I never ever put trust on someone I knew. I always doubt everyone. I am insecure, and still, you try to convince me that you really love me. My tears are flowing. You quickly hug me, to make me feel at ease. The warmness from you is transferring to my body. I feel safe. I feel needed. I feel loved.

“Yes.. I will” I whisper my continuation of the words in your ear. Your dark brown eyes emit the light. You smile and hug me again. “I will never ever leave you alone” you said.

The wind blow softly between my hair. The clouds are still moving. The sky is getting reddish, because the sun is on the way back. And you besides me. I put my head on your shoulder. The pain will heal, I thought.

-A-

Favorite Movies

So…. I had an idea. Why don’t I write down some of my favorite movies all the time. The best of sad love movies, in my version 🙂 Here we go…

1. If Only

if only

2. Proposal Daisakusen

proposal daisakusen

3. One Day

one day

4. A Walk To Remember

a walk to remember

5. The Notebook

the notebook

6. Dear John

dear john

7. Taiyou No Uta

Taiyou-no-Uta

8. You are The Apple of My Eye

you are the apple of my eye

9. Restless

restless

 

 

Really, take your time and watch them all. It’s not bad 😀

-A-

“You once said you loved me. Do you still?”

you

I hate missing you. I hate being apart from you. You know, like the whole world is against you and all you could do is sit in the corner, hoping there would be someone  who would save  you. Yeah, just like that.

I hate missing you. I cannot explain the extent at which I miss you. I can’t function without you. You might think I am exaggerating  but no, that’s what I feel. I go crazy without you here, by my side.

I hate missing you. I need you in my life and I hate how things have been between us. Everything seemed so easy when I had you. Now, I have no will left in me to live. Seriously, that’s horrible.

I hate missing you. You know, it’s like everything seems so wrong without you here. The sun shines too bright, the rain comes down so hard. I’d give absolutely anything to hear you say my name right now.

I hate missing you.  I remember your huge smile like I have just seen it yesterday. I just never felt fully okay, since you left me here, alone.

I hate missing you. Well, I do miss your company though. I miss the way we were so comfortable together. No one even compares to you. Believe me, no one ever.

I hate missing you. You still come up in my mind daily, for little things or big. Flash backs of memories that made my heart melt. Even just dreams. I sometimes love when I had a dream with you in there.

I try not to miss you. But in the end, I still do 😦 To the break of dawn dear, to the break of dawn.

-A-

I am still waiting

waitingyou

A sound of clock ticking.

A sound of the rain falls into the ground.

A sound of the wind meet the leaves.

A sound of our favorite song.

I am still waiting, I whisper.

A sound of the pages of a book in my hand.

A sound of me sipping my hot chocolate.

A sound of my cat moves when he sleeps.

A sound of our favorite song, in repeat.

I am still waiting, I whisper.

A sound of me taking a deep breath.

A sound of me crying so softly.

A sound of me humbling our favorite song.

A sound of my phone, vibrating.

I am still waiting, I whisper.

I am still waiting, I wrote.

I am still waiting, I scream.

I hope it’s worth it.

So will you come, and stop this pain in my heart?

-A-

Mine

Rain is coming, accompanying me on the night of early December.

A cup of hot chocolate and a blanket is warming me.

But still, I feel cold.

Like I was outside waiting, in the rainy night.

I touched my window pane, hoping.

Hoping you would come by and keep me warm.

Hoping you would sitting here with me in my room.

Hoping you would cuddling with me, and ease my pain.

My heart feel cold.

I think I was just missing you.

Wait, what was that? Oh never mind those. I was just writing meaninglessly 😐 Blame the rain every night that makes me turn into someone with cheesy words. Anyway…. I am recently in love with a song that Santana Lopez in Glee, as in Naya Rivera in real world, sang. It’s called Mine by Taylor Swift. And yes, I didn’t really like Taylor Swift, I knew a little of her songs, but I never really pay attention to her songs. And when Naya sang it on Glee, I was just “who the hell made that painful song?”, and I googled and I was shocked to found that beauty blonde wrote it. Wow. No wonder people talked about her lyrics a lot. Anyway, Glee really make me fell in love with a song I never heard, this is not my first time, I was really into Justin Bieber – Baby, when Sam in Glee sang it. Then, Lucky by Jason Mraz. Yeah, I am pathetic, sorry for being one. So, for a sake of my first post in December, I’d like to give it to…. Naya Rivera as Santana Lopez in Glee 🙂

(this one is half of the song. I mean, they barely sang it full on the series)

(and this one is the full version, the studio version, plus lyric)

Lyric :

You were in college working part time waitin’ tables
Left a small town, never looked back
I was a flight risk with a fear of fallin’
Wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts

I say “Can you believe it?
As we’re lying on the couch?”
The moment I can see it.
Yes, yes, I can see it now.

Do you remember, we were sitting there by the water?
You put your arm around me for the first time.
You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter.
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine.

Flash forward and we’re taking on the world together,
And there’s a drawer of my things at your place.
You learn my secrets and you figure out why I’m guarded,
You say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes.

But we got bills to pay,
We got nothing figured out,
When it was hard to take,
Yes, yes, this is what I thought about.

Do you remember, we were sitting there, by the water?
You put your arm around me for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine.

Do you remember all the city lights on the water?
You saw me start to believe for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine.

Oh, oh, oh

And I remember that fight
Two-thirty AM
As everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street
Braced myself for the “Goodbye”
‘cause that’s all I’ve ever known
Then you took me by surprise
You said, “I’ll never leave you alone.”

You said, “I remember how we felt sitting by the water
And every time I look at you, it’s like the first time
I fell in love with a careless man’s careful daughter
She is the best thing that’s ever been mine.”

Hold on, make it last
Hold on, never turn back

You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine.
(Hold on) Do you believe it?
(Hold on) Gonna make it now.
(Hold on) I can see it,
(Yes, yes) I can see it now.

For your information, I cried. I cried when the first time I watch Santana sang it to Brittany. Her voice was cracking, and tears are flowing. It was really honest and beautiful and full of pain, yet it’s amazing. Then I still cried when I put the song on repeat. Taylor Swift really know how to make something beautiful, and Naya’s voice….. just perfect. And right now, I still cried. This one is… the best. One of the moments I will always remember :’)

With a teary eye, I present those for you.

-A-