I know it’s in me. The fearfulness of everything. Even the simplest thing. I am afraid of this, afraid of that, afraid of everything I even never have tried! I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of what will come next. I am afraid of a person will be mad at me, disappointed at me. I am afraid of being dumped of. I am afraid of being replaced. I am afraid of making someone hate me. I am afraid of doing things I never do. I am basically afraid of so many things. And yes, I know I have to change. But I don’t even know how. Pathetic, I know. A psychology student doesn’t know how to overcome her fear. This is sad.
My mind never think positive things, I guess. It’s like….. Everything I thought were wrong, and bad, and horrible, and never good enough. It’s unhealthy, being like this. And I realized I need to go to a counselor to talk about this. But again, my scumbag brain told me “what will you do there? what if it’s just a waste? what if you never overcome your fear?”. And here we go… facing the idiot of me. I really want to punch my self in the face so hard that I will bleed and then said “FOR GOD SAKE, BE BRAVE!” but then again, I still got no motivation to do that. *insert deep sigh here*
Today I went to my college (no, don’t be wrong, I am still afraid of my beloved lecturer, and I got nothing to give her, so NO, I am not meeting her), to talk to another lecturer I knew. It’s because of Liza and Aisyah, or I never ever doing this. They pushed me to text Miss Ike, and they even forbid me to go home until I got the replied (ha, thank god it was raining and already late and Miss Ike was busy to replied my text, so I could go home), and you know the rest. I talked to her (with Liza by my side, even, she talked and explained things I couldn’t explain because I cried already, being too sensitive is so annoying). It was hard at first, my heart goes “badump badump” all the time, I got teary eyes, I snot a lot (this is so impolite, I know!), and I am afraid to do an eye contact with her. One thing Miss Ike kept saying is “YOU GOT NO WINGS. YOU COULDN’T FLY TO REACH THE TOP STEP. YOU HAVE TO TRY, MAKE ONE LITTLE STEP. AND DON’T STOP, KEEP STRUGGLING UNTIL YOU COULD GO TO THE NEXT STEP.”. And yeah, I know that. I got no wings, I have to make a move, or I won’t go anywhere. Or every time people asked me about my thesis, I couldn’t give them a proper answer and a true smile. I know that. But still, I thought I have to overcome this fear first. This is not good. This is unhealthy. Feeling this, won’t take me anywhere.
So today, thank you Miss Ike for giving me some kind of enlightenment, I guess, and thank you Liza and Aisyah for pushing me so hard, wanting to help me, thank you. I truly deeply thank you for your time I wasted, for your mind, (although you all have you own problems but still you helped me a lot, not just randomly mad at me). A word thank you may never be enough to show you my respect and how much I relieved and blessed to have people that still care.