Sometimes I really believe I’m not worth fighting for. In any aspect. I always do things to make sure no one stays. I’ve become so used to everyone finding something wrong with me and leaving that now I just make it easier for them to leave by being this deranged version of myself. All I want is for someone to stay. I am petrified of someone finding out that I’m not just some emotionless machine – that I am actually someone with a broken soul that longs to be healed. So, instead of coming to terms with my need for human intimacy that long surpasses the physical, I settle for only the physical because I am scared. I am scared of rejection, loss, and even more disappointment. I have enough reasons to hate the world – do I really need more? Do I really need to add more names to the long list of those who have already betrayed me? No, I don’t… and here I sit. The most ridiculous part is that I’ve actually tried to beat this and every time I’ve been let down, lied to, or things just didn’t work out. I’m defeated. I feel like I lost a battle I haven’t really tried too incredibly hard to fight yet. There’s a sinking feeling I have that things just won’t work out with anyone.
Sometimes people surround themselves with a certain type of people not because they truly feel more comfortable with them. Sometimes it is more like wearing clothes and accessories from bold posh brands, or designer clothes that fewer people know – either way you feel better about yourself and hope people will think highly of you. “Friend”, in this case, is just another accessory you put on yourself with the attempt to be, or look like, a certain type of people, which, of course, you are not. I know I have that proud look when I mentioned things like “my playwright friend”. I am not denying that there are people who genuinely love what they are trying to convince others that they like. Certainly there are, and those kind of true passion is in fact very easily detected. But after all how many of us are really comfortable with who we are? I don’t know.
Wow. Not posting so many days make me want to write every single thing I thought!