So, That’s 24 Look Like

I saw her on the library, sitting on her usual spot, next to the large window. She looked so surprised seeing a piece of cake and a box of gift addressed to her, there. She looks over the library and she sees me between the bookshelves in front of her. She runs toward me, with a big smile on her face. She opens her arms to hug me, when she is close, she gives me a tight hug.

“Thank you.” she whispered.

I just smile and caress her hair, hug her back.

“Happy birthday, little girl.” I mumbled.

“Happy birthday to you, too.” she said then pull my hand to her favorite spot.

We sit in front of each other. She eats the cake I gave her while reading a tale book. I smile, it was peaceful, looking at her. I open one of her books on the table and start reading. It was a story of a girl who fell in love with a prince. I sigh, now that must be the happy ending book, I’ve read them a lot. Enough to make me believe that happy ending is real. But then, as I grew up, I was hit by the fact that, girl, happy ending is all in books. I close the book and decide to take out my book on the bag.

“You want some?” ask her.

“No. It’s for you. Too sweet for me.” I answered.

“You used to like this.” she said with a sad face.

“I know. Things change.”

“Then growing up sucks.”

“Indeed. It really sucks.”

“What does it look like on 24 years old?” she asked.

I don’t know what to answer. I shrug my shoulder and lean my back on the chair. She looks at me with her dark brown eyes deeply. Hoping I would give her an answer.

“I honestly don’t know. I just living it for a day. But, I could tell you this, based on another years I’ve been through, it’s exhausting.”

“It’s exhausting because 1. we have to keep up with everything that escalate quickly, 2. we have to do exactly what people expect us to do, 3. we have to put on our smile just because we don’t want to hurt someone, 4. no one cares. At the end of the day, you’ll be alone in your room, looking at empty space and wondering, whether you walk away or try harder.”

“Is it too much to take?” I asked her.

She shook her head and put on a smile and said “You’re tough.”.

I snort, not believing her. She shows me her teeth. 

“You might said it’s exhausting and sucks, but you still hang in there. You’re tough.”

“So, you see it that way, huh? I’ve been give up, lots of times. And eventually, there always be someone waiting on the edge. And I am glad. You should believe in that tale. You will make happy ending. We will make happy ending.”

“It’s a promise then.” she smiles and give her little finger to be tied by mine.

“Happy birthday, Adeline.” we said it together and then everything becomes blurry.

I opened my eyes, I still see my sisters sleeping besides me. I walk to the mirror, whisper “Thank you, little one.”


Happy belated Birthday, Brother.

Yeah. Noted the word belated.

I forgot my best-childhood-friend in the whole world birthday. I am definitely the worst. It was on January 6th. It took me a day to remember, that “Shit, I forgot to call and text him, yesterday.”. When I called him on the next day after his birthday, he said, “It sucks you forgot to call me, but I knew yo’re doing something that more worth than calling me.”. And by that, I am more convinced that I wont trade him for anything.

He’s 25 already. A quarter of 100 years he has. I always wish happiness will surround him. Nothing hurt me more than the day he cry his eyes out. I remember how he hates being called his full first name, and how he acts such a jerk, and talks big. Despite those, I knew he cares about me a lot. And that makes me happy. He always remember small things back in our glorious childhood days. And those memories always make me laugh more. I thank God for him. He is one of the people I treasure a lot. I miss celebrating his birthday with him. Almost seven years I didn’t celebrate his birthday. And I hope this year would be the last year. I hope next year I could be there, besides him, giving him a cake (he hates cakes) and blowing candles with him.


Once again, happy birthday, Donny. I wish you happiness.


Tell us about the experience of being outside, looking in — however you’d like to interpret that.

I’ve done that. Being outside and look inside.I kind of like that. Because with that I could see what others inside can’t see. I can see everything clearly. I like being outside, that way, I kind of more like being invisible. Nothing can hurt an invisible things, because no one can see it, right?

I never feel like belong inside, tho. It kinds of weird if I were inside. I feel a strange things in my stomach, like the urge to puke or headache, or stomachache. Everything in my body aches. But when I get out, I feel free. Because as this happened more and more often, I got more and more used to it, and learnt to be self-sufficient. I love listening to everyone’s words and keep my mouth shout, just to understand them more, or not. Being an outsider, being different, is what gives you a story to tell. 

“In a field, I am the absence of field. This is always the case. Wherever I am, I am what is missing”

Mark Strand – Keeping Things Whole.

First Post

Day 3: Write the post that was on your mind when you decided to start a blog.

So, the first day I want to make a blog, I want to write about my life, to be honest. To keep me more sane, despite of the crazy things all around me. And actually I have done that. What I really want to tell. It was dark and so on. But I am not ashamed by that. I am who I was, now. And I didn’t feel shame anymore. I got some supportive guys behind me, I got people who truly love me, so yeah.

My life was dark. And now I can feel a little light is come to my way. And I appreciate that. I tried so hard to welcome the light, not closing my curtains as I used to. This is 2014 already. I have to overcome the past. I have to let go. You are all welcome to my world. It might be dark, but if you get a little light with you, thank you. If you want to share some darkness, I would welcome, too, I hope I could give you a little light 🙂

Do We Have To Be Offended By Everything

The Belle Jar

You are a smart person and you pride yourself on your critical thinking abilities and general good taste.

You read or hear or watch something and find yourself smiling, nodding in agreement, maybe even laughing out loud. This, whatever this happens to be, is genius. Whoever created it somehow articulated exactly what you’ve been thinking but have never been able to put into words. Nothing has ever been more perfect.

You share what you’ve just read, heard or watched with your friends, expecting that they’ll be just as blown away by the insight and hilarity as you were. And some people do get it, so you high five to celebrate your mutual intelligence and awesomeness. But then a few of your friends start to voice misgivings, and then someone comes right out and says it:

This isn’t cool.

Here’s the thing – you’re not a bad person. In fact, you…

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Happy new year.

I will resume what the hell I just did in November-December so anyone who thinks I was dead, no, I am still here in the cruel world.

November, since I joined Nanowrimo, I couldn’t stop writing my stories, and that’s a good thing. But then again, until half days I’ve entered, my lecturer asked me to go back to my hometown to do my experiment. And back at my home, I got no internet access. My mother always online via her phone so she refused to get a wifi. And my signal is limited there, and that’s a shame. I stopped writing at page 45 in Ms. Word. That’s quite a lot, don’t you think? So yeah, in my first attemp joining Nanowrimo, I didn’t win it 😦

December comes, and I already back to Yogyakarta. A week later I was going to Jakarta, having some fun, with the whole family. Then when I come back again, I got some strings attached. Like the continuation of my thesis, one of my friend’s burden, and another task from my aunty. However, I made some new friends on December, Claire from Taiwan, Hannah from UK, Alan from Scotland, and Gabrielle from Italy. They are all from couch surfing website. I learned Italian from Gabrielle, too. And it was fun and hard, tho 😀 a long story I got to know them, but I’ll make this short, I am not a member of that website, still I’ve something’s to do with them. You know me, I am not that good joining a group or whatever where everyone get so friendly. I’ve trust issues, and yeah, I am awkward. But knowing them is something, and they’re, so far, didn’t disturbed me, so they’re just fine.

That’s all. I wish this year I could do so much better, and heal my illness completely. And I have to graduate soon, then I could travel and go to warped tour! Aamiin.
Ps, I spent my money like crazy on December. Now I’m bankrupt.