It will be alright

The only reason I didn’t do it until now  is because I am so scared. I am scared that if I fail, I am gonna have to face up to everyone, and everyone will know everything about me, about how sly I am, how stupid I am, and I think that I couldn’t cope with that. In the beginning I was incredibly confident and self assured. Now, I am incredibly insecure. Don’t you hate it when you’re insecure and then you say really stupid things because of your insecurity? Such as, “I’m sorry…” even though you shouldn’t be sorry because you didn’t do anything or “I hope I’m not annoying you. I don’t want to annoy you.”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK.

I’m sorry, but I don’t know what other word to put there. When I’m confident, I sound intelligent, witty and trustworthy. Like the person can trust me. When I’m insecure, I sound like a blubbering idiot who he may very well think, “Oh, shit, she’s mental, I should run away fast.”. I just want to be accepted, that’s all. I don’t want people to hate me.I don’t want anyone running away. I don’t want that to happen but I am afraid that it will. I’ve been deserted before. But we all have been fucked over in one way or another and if we ever want to be happy again, we need to take a chance. I just wish I could give myself some credit. It’s my own fault why I feel this way (crappy is a good adjective to describe said state of emotions). At times, I can be emotionally fragile. I can be easily hurt and weak as thin glass. Realize these times. Respect my wishes. When I push you away, because chances are I will, pull me back. Don’t let me win, don’t let my doubts be right, don’t let me go. When doubt set in, don’t be upset because you think I’m comparing you with my past. It’s not doubt in you – it’s doubt in myself. Something I’m unable to help. I always create things in my head that aren’t there…I think of the worst possible scenarios and begin to believe that they are reality…which is not the case. Yeah, I can be difficult. Really fucking difficult. But it’s only until I let my barrier down. It’s only temporary. Please don’t leave. Please don’t give up on me.That’s all I ask. 

I know a lot of us do this. Writing helps. It helps me realize how legitimate but stupid my fears are. At least, that’s what I tell myself. So I guess I should follow my own advice. Take a deep break, you’re alright.

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