What do you do?

Most of the time, I felt annoyed by people who asked “when will you’ve finished your school?” or “when will you get married?” (this question popped up when I was attending friends’ wedding). Then, people DO change so easily. Nowadays, I got asked “what do you do?” then when I came up with “nothing, just searching” or “being a chauffeur for my mother” or “watching tv series” people start their glorious speech. God.

Yes, I graduated on August. Yes, I’ve been jobless for 6 months. Yes, I did literally nothing. But, excuse me, that doesn’t mean you can insult or give me a fricking glorious speech. You don’t know how I felt. How insecure I am when someone asked me that. I am well aware, rather than you, that I had no job right now. And that doesn’t give you the power to make me become so small and tiny and full of pain. That hurts. Don’t you dare to think that I’m doing nothing here, I DID. And do you realize that everything needs time, doesn’t matter what is. Don’t you dare to think that I am a picky one, I wanted to work so bad that even I could do anything. Too bad, mother prevents me doing wrong things in her eyes.

They always have another question to ask. There will be the-question-after. First is, when will you graduate from college. Second is, what do you do for living? Third is, when will you get married? Fourth is, when will you have a baby? Fifth is, isn’t it the time to have another one? and so on, and so on. For God’s sake….. People and their-want-to-know-everything-disease.

So, take your free time to think about your life more than mine. I got it under control 😉

Sneak Peak

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Hugging you.” He answers calmly. My heart really wants to burst out.

“I know. Why?” I asked again.

“Because I think you’d go away.” My heart beat is rising, I could tell by the sound.

“What do you mean by that?”

“I don’t want you to go.” He said again, still not releasing his hug.

“Why?” I keep asking him for a reason. For a good reason I could stay.

“Because I need you.”

“No you don’t, Harry.” I denied him.

“I do. I am perfectly sure I do. What would I do when you’re gone?”

“Teaching.” I answer coldly. He lets a sigh and then releasing his hug. He looks at me right in the eyes. His eyes, were so captivating and calming.

“I care about you, Chloe.” He said. I look away, I can’t bear looking at his eyes.

“I know.” I sort of whisper. “And I do care about you, too, Harry.” I continue.

“Then, wouldn’t we be perfect together?” He said. Again, my heart stutters. How come he easily said that? He is still locking his eyes on me.

“We can’t Harry.”

“Give me reason.”

“I… can’t.”

“Then, I am not accepting that, C.” He said. This time, I am the one who lets a sigh. I couldn’t control my heart.

“The same reason I called you by your middle name. As Liam Stewart said, I look at you and I just love you, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what would I do for you. And that’s exactly what I think of. I fall for you, Neil. I fall too deep. And you perfectly aware of that.” I explained it to him. I call him by his first name again after a long time. My heart really beats as fast as it could. I thought it would jump out of my body. I take a look at him, he just sits there, in front of me, in the health room bed, nothing to say.

“You, are not in love with me, Neil. It’s her, you’re in love with. You can’t deny that. Last year, when Alex and I were making the bonding bracelet, you were there, too. Yet, you didn’t stop us. This relationship of us, I don’t know if we can consider this as one to be honest, won’t work. I can’t compete her. You can’t forget her. And I really hate myself for letting you in, letting you consume me. That.. is why, Neil. That’s my reason.” I clearly let everything slips out of my mouth. My eyes are s hot, I don’t know if I could hold the tears for another minutes. The health room is too quiet, and he didn’t even say a word. I step off of the bed, my head was spinning,  my breathing was heavy, and my heart was in so much pain. I didn’t plan to say those things out loud. I never did. I walk to the door, and before I close it, I see him. Our eyes met again, finally. He didn’t give me the smile he used to give me. I smile and close the door. That time, a tear rolls down to my face. I was hoping he would catch me and said everything I just said wasn’t true. But I know, I know I am right. All of it. I wish he’d hold me close and say sorry, but, sorry for what? I walk to the rooftop. I wish I could just disappear.

That was, a story I’ve been writing. A cheesy one. So, me. And no, it hasn’t finished yet. So, me.

February

February is believed by some people, the month of love. Me? No really into that “love” thing. For me, shouldn’t it every single day is called a day of love, instead of agonizing a particular month? Staying with your lover or partner, despite everything you’ve been through, bad and good, isn’t that called love? Picking your mother from work and doing house work for her, isn’t that called love? Baking a cake for your sister’s birthday, isn’t that called love? Cooking breakfast every morning for your family, isn’t that called love? Texting your friends every morning, to make sure they know about the weather, in their work area, isn’t that called love? And many things we’ve encounter everyday that shows us, that is love.

What is love, then?

Love is when someone makes our stomach feel all tight but floaty at the same time, and full of butterflies. And our cheeks hurt from smiling too much because of their simple text, simple word, and little thing they did that we like, but we thought they weren’t listening to it (believe me, that was the cutest and wonderful thing when someone you love, turns out pay attention and remember all the details back then), and makes people wonder, what’s going on with us. Love is also a pain. A mysterious and annoying pain. But, in the same time, we want it, nevertheless how horrible you’ve felt. Love is also comforting and relaxing and sometimes, we don’t want to fell asleep, cause we’re afraid when we might not with them for a minute. And we don’t want that. We want to be with them, until we both fell asleep, even just to hear their voice for no reason at all. Love is also, when we didn’t care we did the weird things while we are with them. They completely accept us, no matter how weird we are, and also, they like it, the weird thing we have or did.

A first post in February, and suddenly talking about love. So, me.