(Dan beberapa kalimat yang menjelaskan perjalanannya
(Dan beberapa kalimat yang menjelaskan perjalanannya
Sometimes I feel as if I’m alive and breathing, but not there. I find myself clearing the smile from my face the moment someone looks away, my answers becoming shorter and my laughter a little bit more forced everyday. I keep staring into space, lost in this little world of loneliness and sadness I’ve unintentionally built for myself over the years. I want to be around people, but only a certain kind- people who will comfort me and tell me everything will be alright, because I’m not so sure it will be anymore. When people ask me what’s wrong, I just tell them I’m tired, knowing that they could never understand. I don’t feel like myself, you know? I don’t feel comfortable in my skin, almost as if it’s not mine. It’s like I’m inhabiting this empty shell, deprived of soul and creativity. Things I used to love I don’t anymore, my dreams fading like ink off of flesh. I’m scared of so much, but also couldn’t care less at the same time. I know I’m loved and I know that people care, but it’s almost like I don’t care that they do anymore. I need more than this world can give me, however odd that may sound. It’s like I’m in this native land, trying to find my way home, wherever that may be. Slowly at first, and then all too quickly, the world became dark.
“What’s the cure for sadness?” she asked. And the other girl replied, “There is no cure for sadness. You can take the pills and write your feelings out in a journal and that sadness may ease a little; it may even stop consuming your life so entirely, but it will never completely disappear. Like a ghost, sadness will always knock on your door, no matter how hard you try to prevent it from getting in”. They both remain silent.
Before you decide to take your life, imagine who will find you. Imagine them walking into a room, and seeing you just hanging there. Whether it be your little sister, little brother, mother father, grandparents, a friend. Imagine what will happen when they find you. No, they will not say “Finally, they’re gone.” No, they will not say “I’m happy they did that.” No, they will not say “I never loved them anyways.” They will die. Their hearts will break. They will hurt, more than you ever could. They will cry, scream, and break down. They’ll believe it’s all just a dream, praying to wake up. Except, they won’t feel that for a few seconds, or a few days, not weeks, nor months. They will feel that until the day they die. Everyday will be hell. They’ll think of you ever second. They’ll hate themselves for not being able to help or save you. They’ll wish they could die too. They’ll want to give up, just to be with you. They won’t be ever be happy again. They won’t smile. They won’t go back to their daily routine. They’ll die every time they walk past your room, or see a picture of you, or think of a memory with you. They’ll think, but stay quiet. They’ll visit your grave, feeling a knife go through their chest every time. And every morning when they wake up, no matter how long it’s been, they’ll wake up to thinking they’ll see you, only to be let down once again. And every night, they will cry themselves to sleep, because even though they refuse to admit it, know you’re gone forever.
Before you decide to take your life, think of your family, burying you. Yes, your own mother and father are planning your funeral. It’s supposed to be the other way around, but it’s not. They’ll have to call the cops, sign a death certificate, pick out clothing, buy a tomb stone, a casket, pick out flower arrangements, and more; All for their child’s funeral. The morning of your funeral, everyone who loves you is wearing black. Tears are streaming down their face, while their heart is breaking. Everyone who you thought didn’t need you, or didn’t care, are waiting in line to see you. They aren’t waiting in line at a party, or a graduation, or at a wedding reception. They’re waiting to see you, hands folded, lifeless, in a casket.
Before you decide to take your life, think of everyone you will be hurting. Don’t you dare so no one, because absolutely everyone will be affected. Your grandparents, won’t have a grandchild anymore. Your parents, won’t have a child anymore. Your brother or sister, won’t have a sibling anymore. Your pet, won’t have an owner anymore. That person you sit next to in class, won’t feel your presence anymore. Your teacher, won’t have a student anymore. That time your grandparents told you no, will haunt them forever, thinking it is their fault, that you are now dead. That time your parents yelled at you, will haunt them forever, thinking if they didn’t yell at you, you would still be here. That time your sibling said they hated you, will hate themselves, because they believe you would still be alive if they said they loved you instead. Those kids who made you feel bad, will wish they were dead too, because if they just smiled at you instead, you would be here. That teacher that you didn’t meet her expectations, will feel like a failure, because you would still be here, if she believed in you. Everyone, who has ever been in your presence, will hurt, because if they showed you they cared, you would still be here.
Before you decide to take your life, think. Don’t just think of yourself, think of the consequences for everyone else. No one’s life will be the same again. That person who God made specially for you, won’t have you. That happiness that was waiting for you, will never show again. Before you decide to take your life, realize that you may be ending your pain, but you’ll be starting a lifetime of everyone else.
“What is an ‘instant’ death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous.” – John Green, Looking for Alaska.
*Seriously, you ought to read John Green’s books. He is like, American version of Haruki Murakami*
– December 2012
Spent time with my Aunty and my lil’ cousin. A week after that, got sick. Woke up in Christmas day, just to found out my Blackberry broke. Great. Next week, having a poor-pathetic-new year-party.
– January 2013
Greeted all my family, who came to attend my cousin’s wedding. A week passed by. Had a birthday with all my family. Celebrate my other cousin’s birthday too. And… the end of the month came. Got sick for about two weeks.
– February 2013
After sick. Paid my tuition at college with Aisyah. Talked to myself that this has to be the last semester I had (though I really doubt it). Valentine day came, nothing special (never celebrated it after junior high).
*what the hell is this? I know. suck.