Let us be happy

Someone is getting married to another one. People supposedly given them a blessing, congratulating them for perfecting their dien, being extremely happy for them. 

But, sadly, people are against the marriage. It’s not because they’re gay (in my country that’s taboo and prohibited), nor because the religion is different (yes, it’s prohibited too in my country). It’s because people think that both of them took away someone’s happiness. How come? You must be confused. If so, that’s the right thing to do, against the marriage, hate them, talking behind their back or even blocked them in everything that was related.

🙂

Everything or everyone, has their stories. But, not everyone understand or gladly share their version of the story. People just got pieces of it, trying so hard to pick up the puzzled things, assumed things, and judged it, then, voila! There’s the stories. Maybe it’s true, but it might be wrong too. So the best we can do is let it go.

Let it go? Why? Because, judging people is unhealthy and being judged is hurt so much you could die. Let it go. People said both of them took away someone’s happiness. And do you understand what’s the definition of someone’s happiness? Do you really believe that her happiness is the same as yours or them or us? No. The definition of happiness is different, it depends on the person ‘s mind. For me, happiness is when I’m home with my cats and phone and music. For others who dislike cats, that’s not happiness, that’s hell. That’s why, a happy occasion such as wedding, should be blessed so that the happiness in it will spread.

I, personally, wanted to apologize for making that someone cried and confused and sick of the words people keep saying. Please remember, what the people did, weren’t because they thought you’re so weak and hopeless and whatelse. That’s because they care so much about you whom got to know nothing while they seems like to know everything.

🙂

I got no right to say anything. Please, pretty please, be happy. Be extremely happy that everybody would die for that happiness you own. So, let us be happy with ours.

❤️💋

What do you do?

Most of the time, I felt annoyed by people who asked “when will you’ve finished your school?” or “when will you get married?” (this question popped up when I was attending friends’ wedding). Then, people DO change so easily. Nowadays, I got asked “what do you do?” then when I came up with “nothing, just searching” or “being a chauffeur for my mother” or “watching tv series” people start their glorious speech. God.

Yes, I graduated on August. Yes, I’ve been jobless for 6 months. Yes, I did literally nothing. But, excuse me, that doesn’t mean you can insult or give me a fricking glorious speech. You don’t know how I felt. How insecure I am when someone asked me that. I am well aware, rather than you, that I had no job right now. And that doesn’t give you the power to make me become so small and tiny and full of pain. That hurts. Don’t you dare to think that I’m doing nothing here, I DID. And do you realize that everything needs time, doesn’t matter what is. Don’t you dare to think that I am a picky one, I wanted to work so bad that even I could do anything. Too bad, mother prevents me doing wrong things in her eyes.

They always have another question to ask. There will be the-question-after. First is, when will you graduate from college. Second is, what do you do for living? Third is, when will you get married? Fourth is, when will you have a baby? Fifth is, isn’t it the time to have another one? and so on, and so on. For God’s sake….. People and their-want-to-know-everything-disease.

So, take your free time to think about your life more than mine. I got it under control 😉

Sneak Peak

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Hugging you.” He answers calmly. My heart really wants to burst out.

“I know. Why?” I asked again.

“Because I think you’d go away.” My heart beat is rising, I could tell by the sound.

“What do you mean by that?”

“I don’t want you to go.” He said again, still not releasing his hug.

“Why?” I keep asking him for a reason. For a good reason I could stay.

“Because I need you.”

“No you don’t, Harry.” I denied him.

“I do. I am perfectly sure I do. What would I do when you’re gone?”

“Teaching.” I answer coldly. He lets a sigh and then releasing his hug. He looks at me right in the eyes. His eyes, were so captivating and calming.

“I care about you, Chloe.” He said. I look away, I can’t bear looking at his eyes.

“I know.” I sort of whisper. “And I do care about you, too, Harry.” I continue.

“Then, wouldn’t we be perfect together?” He said. Again, my heart stutters. How come he easily said that? He is still locking his eyes on me.

“We can’t Harry.”

“Give me reason.”

“I… can’t.”

“Then, I am not accepting that, C.” He said. This time, I am the one who lets a sigh. I couldn’t control my heart.

“The same reason I called you by your middle name. As Liam Stewart said, I look at you and I just love you, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what would I do for you. And that’s exactly what I think of. I fall for you, Neil. I fall too deep. And you perfectly aware of that.” I explained it to him. I call him by his first name again after a long time. My heart really beats as fast as it could. I thought it would jump out of my body. I take a look at him, he just sits there, in front of me, in the health room bed, nothing to say.

“You, are not in love with me, Neil. It’s her, you’re in love with. You can’t deny that. Last year, when Alex and I were making the bonding bracelet, you were there, too. Yet, you didn’t stop us. This relationship of us, I don’t know if we can consider this as one to be honest, won’t work. I can’t compete her. You can’t forget her. And I really hate myself for letting you in, letting you consume me. That.. is why, Neil. That’s my reason.” I clearly let everything slips out of my mouth. My eyes are s hot, I don’t know if I could hold the tears for another minutes. The health room is too quiet, and he didn’t even say a word. I step off of the bed, my head was spinning,  my breathing was heavy, and my heart was in so much pain. I didn’t plan to say those things out loud. I never did. I walk to the door, and before I close it, I see him. Our eyes met again, finally. He didn’t give me the smile he used to give me. I smile and close the door. That time, a tear rolls down to my face. I was hoping he would catch me and said everything I just said wasn’t true. But I know, I know I am right. All of it. I wish he’d hold me close and say sorry, but, sorry for what? I walk to the rooftop. I wish I could just disappear.

That was, a story I’ve been writing. A cheesy one. So, me. And no, it hasn’t finished yet. So, me.

February

February is believed by some people, the month of love. Me? No really into that “love” thing. For me, shouldn’t it every single day is called a day of love, instead of agonizing a particular month? Staying with your lover or partner, despite everything you’ve been through, bad and good, isn’t that called love? Picking your mother from work and doing house work for her, isn’t that called love? Baking a cake for your sister’s birthday, isn’t that called love? Cooking breakfast every morning for your family, isn’t that called love? Texting your friends every morning, to make sure they know about the weather, in their work area, isn’t that called love? And many things we’ve encounter everyday that shows us, that is love.

What is love, then?

Love is when someone makes our stomach feel all tight but floaty at the same time, and full of butterflies. And our cheeks hurt from smiling too much because of their simple text, simple word, and little thing they did that we like, but we thought they weren’t listening to it (believe me, that was the cutest and wonderful thing when someone you love, turns out pay attention and remember all the details back then), and makes people wonder, what’s going on with us. Love is also a pain. A mysterious and annoying pain. But, in the same time, we want it, nevertheless how horrible you’ve felt. Love is also comforting and relaxing and sometimes, we don’t want to fell asleep, cause we’re afraid when we might not with them for a minute. And we don’t want that. We want to be with them, until we both fell asleep, even just to hear their voice for no reason at all. Love is also, when we didn’t care we did the weird things while we are with them. They completely accept us, no matter how weird we are, and also, they like it, the weird thing we have or did.

A first post in February, and suddenly talking about love. So, me.

A Quarter of 100

This is not about how long I’ve lived, this is about how much I have left.
This is not about what have I done, this is about what will I do next.

Twenty five is clearly the age to be much better than last year.
God still gives me another time to do good things.
It also means that, I’m still not good enough to be by His side.
Good people always dies first, remember?
🙂

Twenty five is near, right in the corner.
I am afraid, can I suffer?
Can I be better?
Can I do better?
Can I be happier?
What if it’s not working?
What if I fail?

This is not about how can I suffer, this is about how will I fight/
This is about being happy.
Dakara, 25, yoroshiku-ne~

Too much happiness is not healthy

I’ve told you, everything that always too much is not good.
Too much food, you got stomachache.
Too much make up, you look like a clown.
Too much salt, the food becomes so salty.
And, too much happiness, can be destroyed easily when a small thing come.

When you are so happy you couldn’t breath or when you’re so happy the buterflies come out of your stomach, that’s the time you should control it. The happy feeling. Once you consume to much of it, you will lost. You will vurnerable. And once you become vurnerable, everything will knock you down. Even the smallest thing.

I’ve felt it. It sucks. It’s like you know you’re drowning but you can’t do anything to swim back to the surface. Because, when something attack the happy feeling inside us, it takes all of the feeling. And you left alone. Blank space.

It’s not healthy.
Never.
At least, try to balance it by having some pain, too.

Rain and what comes next…

It’s raining again, today.
I look at outside from the window.
The flowers are being showered,
the grass are dancing because of the wind.

It’s raining again, today.
I look at my phone, hoping something will pop up,
a hello text or a call.
But no, the phone is still black, with no light.

It’s raining again, today.
I decided to write something on the blog.
I make a cup of cappuccino, and turn the laptop on.
But, I just sit there, stare at the laptop, do nothing.

It’s raining again, today.
But you decided not to come home.
Three years and I’m still waiting for you.
It’s suck.

To Eno

People are passing me by in a hurry.
Sounds of the machines are shouting so loud.
Cry and scream are everywhere.
My heart races.

I could see your family stand there, near you.
And also your boyfriend.
Not one of them are shedding their tears.
I step in, to see more clear.
They just stand there, looking at you.

I walk closer to you.
Nurses and the doctor are removing the machines from you.
One of them turning off machines, so the sound is officially off.
You look pale and blue.

Once again, I look at your family.
They stand still and stiff.
Then your father said,
“Come on. Don’t cry, we are strong. We have to be. For her.”
I could see your boyfriend is trying his hardest, clench his teeth.
While your sisters and brother hugging each other, saying “stay strong.”
Your father embraces your mother, looking at you.

You are loved.
22 years and 3 days.
I hope you’re placed in Allah’s best place.

If it’s meant to be, it will be.

I hate that words.

As much as I hate that I couldn’t go to my favorite band’s concert. As much as I hate when I’ve got plan then it got cancelled in the last minute because of something or someone which unimportant. As much as I hate my order in a restaurant take so much time. As much as I hate my favorite dress ruined by a dot of coffee. As much as I hate my books are ruined by someone who borrowed them.

I really am against that words.

If it’s not meant to be, then you have to work your freaking ass up. You must take some risks, have some faith, and do your best to fight for it! Don’t just give up and said, then it’s not meant to be. What’s the point of hanging on for so long in it? What’s the point playing it safe? Nothing. Then right from the start you should stop, not continue it and then because of a phrase “then, it’s not meant to be. if it’s meant to be, it will be.”, you stop fight for it. Fuck that. It feels like everything that you’ve been done, you’ve been through were just nothing. Because for me, if you think something is precious, you fight for it. You don’t give up in the middle of the way. You freaking fight for it. If it’s hard, you need to figure something out, to work harder. In the end, if that thing is finally lose, you won’t regret it. Cause you’ve works so hard.

(backsound : Sleeping With Sirens – If You Can’t Hang)

Besides, if playing it safe were the best bet to accomplishing what we’re passionate about and destined to do, then it stands to reason that every door would swing open wide as we approached it, every opportunity would embrace us, the gods would happily smile on us, nodding their approval, and there would be one simple, exact path to follow when you’re setting out to establish yourself in this business. – Kate McClanaghan

If you can’t hang then, there’s the door, baby.

I’d rather you walked away right now, than have to wasting my time.

A Day in The Coffee Shop

It was a sunny day when I park my car.

I enter the coffee shop in town.

I order Cappuccino and a flat bread.

It was a sunny day when I start reading the book.

People besides me are having an important meeting.

And the coffee shop is not that crowded.

I like the smell of the coffee they brew.

It was a sunny day when a guy with a suit entered.

He drew my attention because of his smile.

He ordered and sit next to me.

He smiled at me, again.

It was suddenly raining when I was in the middle of the book.

People were running to the coffee shop, looking for a shelter, and a cup of coffee.

The guy besides me was already busy with his laptop.

I wonder what is he doing.

The rain is still pouring, people are coming.

I look at my watch, I only had few more minutes.

I look at the guy besides me, he smiled at me.

Peter, he said and gave me his hand.

I said my name, and reached his hand.

The rain has stopped. I close my book and drink my coffee.

I stand up and said bye to the guy in suit.

See you tomorrow, he said.

I smile and walk to my car.

I have a date, tomorrow.