To Eno

People are passing me by in a hurry.
Sounds of the machines are shouting so loud.
Cry and scream are everywhere.
My heart races.

I could see your family stand there, near you.
And also your boyfriend.
Not one of them are shedding their tears.
I step in, to see more clear.
They just stand there, looking at you.

I walk closer to you.
Nurses and the doctor are removing the machines from you.
One of them turning off machines, so the sound is officially off.
You look pale and blue.

Once again, I look at your family.
They stand still and stiff.
Then your father said,
“Come on. Don’t cry, we are strong. We have to be. For her.”
I could see your boyfriend is trying his hardest, clench his teeth.
While your sisters and brother hugging each other, saying “stay strong.”
Your father embraces your mother, looking at you.

You are loved.
22 years and 3 days.
I hope you’re placed in Allah’s best place.

If it’s meant to be, it will be.

I hate that words.

As much as I hate that I couldn’t go to my favorite band’s concert. As much as I hate when I’ve got plan then it got cancelled in the last minute because of something or someone which unimportant. As much as I hate my order in a restaurant take so much time. As much as I hate my favorite dress ruined by a dot of coffee. As much as I hate my books are ruined by someone who borrowed them.

I really am against that words.

If it’s not meant to be, then you have to work your freaking ass up. You must take some risks, have some faith, and do your best to fight for it! Don’t just give up and said, then it’s not meant to be. What’s the point of hanging on for so long in it? What’s the point playing it safe? Nothing. Then right from the start you should stop, not continue it and then because of a phrase “then, it’s not meant to be. if it’s meant to be, it will be.”, you stop fight for it. Fuck that. It feels like everything that you’ve been done, you’ve been through were just nothing. Because for me, if you think something is precious, you fight for it. You don’t give up in the middle of the way. You freaking fight for it. If it’s hard, you need to figure something out, to work harder. In the end, if that thing is finally lose, you won’t regret it. Cause you’ve works so hard.

(backsound : Sleeping With Sirens – If You Can’t Hang)

Besides, if playing it safe were the best bet to accomplishing what we’re passionate about and destined to do, then it stands to reason that every door would swing open wide as we approached it, every opportunity would embrace us, the gods would happily smile on us, nodding their approval, and there would be one simple, exact path to follow when you’re setting out to establish yourself in this business. – Kate McClanaghan

If you can’t hang then, there’s the door, baby.

I’d rather you walked away right now, than have to wasting my time.

A Day in The Coffee Shop

It was a sunny day when I park my car.

I enter the coffee shop in town.

I order Cappuccino and a flat bread.

It was a sunny day when I start reading the book.

People besides me are having an important meeting.

And the coffee shop is not that crowded.

I like the smell of the coffee they brew.

It was a sunny day when a guy with a suit entered.

He drew my attention because of his smile.

He ordered and sit next to me.

He smiled at me, again.

It was suddenly raining when I was in the middle of the book.

People were running to the coffee shop, looking for a shelter, and a cup of coffee.

The guy besides me was already busy with his laptop.

I wonder what is he doing.

The rain is still pouring, people are coming.

I look at my watch, I only had few more minutes.

I look at the guy besides me, he smiled at me.

Peter, he said and gave me his hand.

I said my name, and reached his hand.

The rain has stopped. I close my book and drink my coffee.

I stand up and said bye to the guy in suit.

See you tomorrow, he said.

I smile and walk to my car.

I have a date, tomorrow.

Is it a crush?

Is it a crush?
We met on sunny day in June. You and your friends around you. Me and mine. Our eyes met. You slowly pull your lips to the left and the right side. My heart skips a beat. I awkwardly nod at you and walk away.

Is it a crush?
I remembered we met again on the party near my house. This time, you said hi. And we talked like there’s no tomorrow. All night long, I tought my heart could jumped out of my body because it beats really fast.

Is it a crush?
We met everyday. We always talked about everything, seems like everything is so important. We texted until midnight and in the morning we usually have a brunch date. And everyday, I am afraid that my heart is at its limit.

Is it a crush?
You held my hand for the first time in the middle of the concert of our favorite band. I am not pulling it away, too. We walked home, hand in hand and laughing at things. In front of my house, we locked our lips. I kind of glad and happy and I thought I would die of too much happiness in me.

Is it a crush?
I didn’t hear from you after the concert. You didn’t reply my text, you didn’t answer my call, you didn’t even show up in the party anymore. My heart broke into pieces, I don’t think I could piece it back again. How are you? Where are you? Why did you run away without me?

It is not just a crush for me.
I think I’ve fallen for you.
And I always think that, too much happiness can change in a flash. This is what happen when I let my heart win.
It is not a crush.

Hi There

It back.

The urge, the feeling to hurt myself is back. I was in the shower a while ago, glanced at my wrists, touched it, and suddenly it back. I look in the mirror and there she was. My other half. She was smiling at me, and said “Don’t you miss me?”. My heart throbs, wanting her to come, to cross over. But then I know it very well that I would be better if she’s not around. I was trying to shut her down, but I can’t. I couldn’t do it. She is me after all. That sad depressed looking girl is me.

“But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless that I couldn’t do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn’t in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get.”

It is always you.

It is so hard to wake up early in the morning.
But then I smell the coffee you make near my bed.
I sit up, then you come in, only with a towel to cover your certain body part.
You give me a smile that always lift up my problems and put it away.
You walk toward me and lean over to give me a good morning kiss as always.
When your lips touch mine, I close my eyes, you always taste mint, and I like that.
I slowly open my eyes, to find you were not there anymore. There was no coffee. I look over and see the clock. 3 in the morning. It was just a dream.

I guess I miss you.

Move On

April 16 was my judgement day. To be honest, I’m completely a wreck. The demon took over my mind again and I was seriously beaten up. I couldn’t sleep well that week, I refused to think about anything, I wanted to disappear, as usual.
Then it hit me. How come I finished things if I always running away from it? I am not growing up. I am just leaving things behind, running away. So I started to pull myself together. I have to deal with that, was my thought. So I started to swim back to the shore.

I started the day with little anxious. I almost wear my converse, if Rita didn’t text me. Feel relieved when I saw Rio, and that time I really wanted to hug him, to release my weights. God doesn’t sleep, I whisper right before I entered the room.

I finally passed the final test with freaking much revisions. Rita and Rio were outside the room, even a junior of mine came to see me. That was really sweet of them. With that, all my emotion is clear. The demon is still there but I can conquer them, a bit. I thank God million times. Now, I’m finally moving on. To the next level.