Sweet Memory

I passed by your house on my usual route home, and I noticed the fence in front of your house was broken; the wood mangled and boards thrown across your lawn like bodies on a battlefield. I tried to imagine the collision that must have happened in my absence. Some reckless jerk, probably drunk behind the wheel, had put so much on the line.  Thank God there weren’t any visible bloodstains on the ground.  I don’t know how much more I could fear intruders, especially the ones who don’t know where they’re going.

“Anna?” I hear someone saying my name. I turn around just to see you standing there. With your brown hair and grey eyes, you smile at me. A sweet one.
“Hello stranger” I said happily. I stare at you, a man in his early 20s, wearing a grey sweater that match your eyes, and teary skinny jeans, and a brown leather shoes that match your hair. You still in style, Daniel. You step forward toward me and hug me. An awkward but warm hug. This kind of hug that contains pains, the one I really am aware of, sadly.
“Wanna catch up for things?” you asked me kindly.
“I don’t know if I can…” I answered honestly. You give me that look, the last-time-we-met-look, full of pain. My chest hurts and seems like a fire is starting.
“Some other time, maybe?” you asked with a smile, which I really know, it’s just a mask.
“Maybe…” I whisper.
“Well, it’s… Really nice to see you again” you said, still giving me a sweet smile. Why won’t you cut it off, Daniel? The fire in my chest is already on its limit.
“You know.. You always know where to find me..” you continue your words and nod to your house. I look deeply in your eyes. There are no lights again in there. Did I am the one who is responsible for that, Daniel? I was wondering the answer until I found my phone vibrates. It’s time.
“See you…” I said and leaving you standing in front of your broken fences.

I know you still stare at my back. I know if I look back, you will smile and wave your hand. I know even though I am already in the cross path, you will still standing there, just to make sure I cross the street safely and walk to my house safe and sound. I know that you will….. The fire is uncontrolled. Tears stream down on my face. I force myself not to look back. I force myself not to wave or smile at you. I force myself not to see you again, the grey eyes that I always look deeply, the brown hair that  I always play with, the soft and deep voice when you call my name. But… My unconscious mind walked me by your house. Make me stared and make some opinion that ain’t necessary. Make me see you again. Make me feel your warm again. I hate myself for doing that. But, I am also grateful. Because you’re not at your worst. I inhale deeply before I open my fence. I know you’re still there. I decided to fight against my promises. I turn my head to you. All I can see is a silhouette of you, with the sun on your background. Beautiful. Then I wipe the tears and enter my house, full of regret.

I passed by your house again.  I could see that the light in your room was on.  And I was afraid of the damages you might have sustained, and I felt a little bit responsible.  There you are, up in your room, still guarding yourself. And here I am, just beyond your window, teetering on the brink of a collision, looking for and through the gaps in the barriers we have found ourselves hiding. Well, maybe we could take some comfort in knowing that even the most confusing and difficult feelings can manifest themselves so literally. I stop my reckless mind and move my legs back to my house. You open your window. I know I shouldn’t stop, but here I am, stop and waiting for you to call my name.

“Anna? Is that you?” you ask from above. I lift my head to see you. You wear your reading glasses which I loved to play with. It frames your eyes perfectly, in my opinion. You give me your smile before you said “wait up”. I hear you turn down the stairs recklessly. Shit. The butterflies in my stomach are back. I hear you running through the door and you open it roughly.
“Hey…” I said when you welcoming me in front of your door.
“You got time?” you ask with a finger sign to go inside your house. I surrender easily. I nodded and my legs walk happily toward you. You open the door widely. I enter your house, for the first time after years. I look around. Messy. And smelly. Your things are covered with white sheets. You keep busy spraying the room with flower spray. I stopped you by taking the spray and put it down. I opened the windows and uncovered your couch. Our favorite one. You take some logs to the fireplace and lightning them. Warmness come.
“Warm enough?” you ask me worriedly. The butterflies are acting again. I just answer you with a smile.
“You’ll be here until Christmas, eh?” you ask.
“New year” I corrected you.
“Great then…” you smile again. I swear to God if I could let the butterflies out, this whole house will full of them.
“So… What are you up to?” I ask about your glasses. You just realized it and put it off.
“Reading…” you answered shyly. The log are creaking. I am nervous. You still stare at me.
“May I hold your hand?” you finally ask. I without doubt give my hand to you. You took it slowly and softly. You put your fingers on the empty space between my fingers. I could see your wrist, there’s a tattoo of my name. You smile widely and look at me. Your grey eyes catch me, I couldn’t move an inch.
“Je vous ai aime jusqu’a la derniere ligne..” whispered you with a sad smile. And….. The butterflies come off. They didn’t stop. I know, Daniel. I know. I buzzed off of your house with tears. I run as fast as I can to my house. This is too much.

We met in the lake near our block. You, still wearing the jeans, your favorite band tees, a red and grey baseball jacket, and pairs of awesome doc marten. You smile at me. You hold my hand without asking my permission like last night. We stop near the lake. I take off my shoes and sit in the dock, with my feet hanging down the lake. Cold. You lay beside me. With your hands become your pillow. And there again, I can see your wrist with my name on it. The sun was setting up, but still, the cold breeze. I look around and see some people are like us, chilling and talking about things. Some people are playing with the cold water. Some people are in the little sail in the middle of the lake. Some people are taking some photos. I take a deep breath. Let my soul feels the cold. You take my hand. The warmth comes inside. I look at you. You close your beautiful grey eyes and put my hand in your chest. I can feel the beat of yours. I smile and whisper “just like old time”. You open your eyes. Our eyes met. You give me a sweet smile before you speak.

“I love you. I love every little thing about you – your sexy smile with your pink lips, the sound of your voice, the magic in your green eyes, the chestnut with lovely smell hair you had….” you stop for a while.
“I love your gentle touch and the warmth I feel at your side… I love dreaming about you. I love discovering you and letting go with you. I love each and every once in a lifetime moments I share with you even if that moments are just by looking at you from afar… these past years, yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever.” continue you and put an end of your speech with your smile. But i know you too well, Daniel. It’s not the sweet smile, it’s the same smile years ago, the day I tell you to stop loving me, the day I leave you behind to the state to pursue my dreams, the day…. I lost you.
“Anna?” someone called me. I turn my head. A beautiful girl with blonde hair. Jessica.
“Hey Jess..” I reply politely. You didn’t move an inch.
“I don’t know you’re in town. For how long?” she asked and let her self sits besides me. You close your eyes again.
“Until new year. I should be back to work the first day of the new year” I answer. She plays with her wavy hair.
“You used to play here with him a lot” suddenly she say something about you. You still acting numb.
“Yeah. We met here for the first time, and it’s a cool place to hang, so…” I don’t finish my words.
“You two were a perfect couple..” she continues her words.
“You are tough, Anna…” she said, meaning it. I just can smile.
“No wonder he loved you so much. Ah. I see you in the memorial then. I couldn’t stand the sun. You go, right?” she tries to look cheerful. I nodded. She said goodbye and I watch those people again, with you, beside me.

I passed by your house. Wondering are you still there. But, there’s no lights on. I keep walking to the our block park. People are already there. I move to the front row. Some people greet me with nodding their heads or smile, pity one. I sit the front chair, next to the stage. And I see you. Taking your favorite guitar and testing it. “This song is for Anna. My favorite.” you said with a smile. The fire in my heart and butterflies in my stomach are racing to the top. You’re playing “Playing Favorites” by The Starting Line, the acoustic one. You change every “California” with New York. “wait for me to move out west, it’s okay if you don’t. I hope you know you’re my favorite thing, about the west coast. I wish I stayed, I hope you wait. So here I am counting down the days, ’till New York comes”. Your grey eyes are shining. “You know Anna.. I love you. I really do” you said happily. Then the lights go off. My tears are falling. I hate myself. If only I didn’t go….

“Today, after seven years, Anna Stevens, comes back to town. It’s been a long time, we knew. But that video Daniel made, is really meant for you. It’s tape on the day before the tragedy happen. We never played it before, because you were never be here. And today, you finally come. Thank you Anna. Thank you, people who always come to this memorial I held. So, ladies and gentlemen, let’s pray for Daniel’s peace and happiness with God.” said your brother in the stage.

The stage now is full with you and me. We are in photos. A sweet song is playing. In rainy days, when your money are enough to come to state, you force yourself drive miles and miles away, but, before you could reach the town sign, a drunk driver with his truck hit you. Meanwhile me, it’s raining in NYC too, having a cup of coffee, collecting a courage to call you, not knowing a single thing until your brother called me. My tears couldn’t stop. The fire inside my heart is tearing me apart. The butterflies come off of my stomach. And suddenly I remember the continuation of your words in the lake years ago. “I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.”.

** Phew. This is my newest story. A sad one. I don’t know, I just love sad love story. Anyway, happy reading! And go ahead comment it 😉

-A-

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