October Challenge : 5th, Friends

This would be a long post. A freaking long post. Yeah. This one is hard. But, I must go on, huh? *breathe in and out* Here we go….

How have you made friends? Was it easy? How did you handle loneliness in the meantime?

The word “friends” for me is about some people that hang out together and give a reciprocity. Yeah. I don’t really trust people that much and, being betray by them you called “friends”, it’s hurt. So, when I’m with people hanging out together, yeah, I am with my friends. But no, you won’t get a higher position than that. They might be my friends, but they didn’t get my trust (some of it). Friends are sacred to me. I like having many friends and enjoy the good company. But having friends goes along with a price. The joy of having friends is indescribable but have to face a great pain when seeing them go. That’s part of having friends; to meet and to depart. I always wish friends are for keeps though the reality is some friends come and go like passing clouds. I miss some friends whom I crossed paths once and whom I don’t see anymore. Maybe I just miss their talk, spending times with them, yeah, I do miss some of them sometimes. Especially when I need something that requires them or whatever.

It’s not easy for me to make friends. I am an introvert kid. And I don’t really like people that much, so, yeah, it’s hard. If no one approaches me, I will just sit tight. “If you don’t want people talk to you or comment your life, then go to forest!” said my mother. Oh yeah, I really love to, mom. Being alone is better than have to interact with people. Sometimes I think it’s too scary to be that honest with someone. It’s scary. I am afraid they will hurt me. And I think I couldn’t cope with that. I always had this thought that they bad mouthing me behind my back, that they don’t like me and hate hanging out with me. That thought can’t stop, I don’t know why. With most of my friends, I grow sick of them the longer we know each other (sorry to say, but that’s true). And how did I handle loneliness? Yeah right. I have those imaginary friends of mine in the imaginary life I made, in my head. Say whatever you want, me in that life is so cool that everyone love, never fail to please everyone. And I always go there when I had bad times, or when I was alone at home, or when I am going to sleep. Wow. I think I really should go to Psychiatrist. Too much psychology issues in me. Ah! Also books! Yeah, you couldn’t bother me when I’m reading. Because I’m climbing to the stories I read, and I didn’t hear anything. That’s an advantage of me right? I don’t feel lonely again 😉

“I miss you, too. Yeah… we should hang out sometime…”. Perhaps I’m overreacting or  jumping to conclusions, but I hate hearing this phrase with out it being acted upon. I feel when people say it, they don’t mean it. I feel that they really mean, “Well we used to be friends, but I’ve out grown you”. If you really miss someone, prove it. If you don’t, then don’t pretend like you do. It just makes people feel like they are being obsessive and irritating. And it really hurts. But, I just have to keep thinking positive.”You can get through this.” “You’ll get real friends in college.” “Just keep your head up.” “The less of a damn you give, the happier you will be.” Thoughts that go through my head 24/7. Have you ever hid how you really felt from the rest of the world because its easier than telling everyone whats wrong? That’s pretty much my life story. There’s so much to me, so much about me that very few people know. As a matter of fact, there’s only one person on this earth that knows just about every detail about me.  It’s just… I got lots of friends. But, it’s still hard to trust them. The only one knew my deep deep deep secret is my childhood friends, Donny. Yeah. He is always teasing me, making fun of me, but he is also always helping me when I need help, he remembers things that we usually forget, he is kind. He like a brother to me 🙂 It’s so hard to let people in when everyone leaves in the end anyway. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of feeling like I have no one. Yes, I have lots of friends and a few really close ones, but even those friends are never really there for me to talk to. They never take the time to actually listen to what I say. They don’t realize how big of a difference it is to listen and to hear. Oh well. I’m just tired. I’m tired of not having anyone, of finding someone who means so much to me and having them just up and walk out of my life. There’s always someone better than me. There’s always someone else. Or even something else. I just wish I could find someone that will stick around when times get tough, someone that genuinely cares about me, my past, and my future, someone that will keep their word, someone that will be there for me no matter what.. Its hard to act like things like that don’t bother me but I still walk around with a smile on my face with my head held high because at the end of the day, I realize its just me, myself, and I. I’m alone in this world even when I’m standing in a crowd of people I claim as friends. I accept that.

Actually, there is nothing I value more in my life than being able to be there for someone else and seeing others happy and I extend my tiny message to anyone who may ever read this. I always say “yes. I can help you”. “sure, take it easy”, “oh, that’s okay, leave it be, I’ll do the rest”, and etc. Yeah, I am that kind of person, although it’s hard to interact with people. But I know I had to. I understand more than anything that, it’s hard to find someone that truly care. So, whether we have been following each other forever or even if we’ve never spoken, I am here for you.

There’s this girl said this on Tumblr “I don’t care what time of day/night it is or if you feel that the issue is silly, I am genuinely interested in anything you may have to say and will always be present to listen. I know that things get rough and sometimes, the shoulder of a complete stranger is more comforting and trustworthy than the people you are closest to, so let me be your ear, your storybook. Even if you just wish to talk about things you like or music or books, I will always be here for you. Feel free to contact me here and I will be nothing but eager to give out my email, Skype, cell phone number, anything you may wish. I can only hope that my message will make its way around because there really is nothing that I hold dearer to my heart than the power of love and understanding. I know that everyone has a story. As Kurt Cobain said, “Come As You Are” and I will always accept you for anything you are. No matter what, you are not alone, and please, always, always remember that you are loved.

Friends. Don’t be offended by this writing. I just, presenting what I thought. I’m sorry if it’s hurt you, it’s just what I really thought.

Don’t be bored reading this long long long story 😉 Happy reading!

-A-

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